28 Years ago...cont.
cont.........
My mother was raised abuse and she never was able to break the cycle, I did.
But until I was older [at 15, older doesn't mean wiser] I excepted it as normal. I was mature for my age and looked much older then most my age. I had more responsibility since it was just her and I. My older brother [15 years older] was already married and moved out by the time I was 9. My second oldest brother [ Kevin, 9 years older] had run away from home when he was 16. So, It was mom and I struggling to make ends meet. I worked and went to school most of the time . My mother didn't allow friends at all. I was to go to school and come straight home. I didn't go to the dances or games, do sports and especially, not date. I spent a lot of time alone fantasizing how I would meet my 'knight' and we would ride off into the happy and better sunset.
Well, I met my 'knight' alright, my dark and evil 'knight'!
And this is where it all began.
And Ill call him 'evil' for the details of this story.
I had known ' evil ' from years passed. The two families met and intermingled at social events through church.
At 15 , 'evil' made a move to involve me in his sick and twisted life. Appearing to be my 'knight and shinning armor', I fell head over heels in love and thought my dreams finally came true. My mother wouldn't have it. She refused all contact, of course, preaching to me all of his evil ways and rotten tendencies. But I wouldn't hear of it. I thought it was all a lie, everything she said couldn't be rue . He loved me and was strong and took care of me, in my gullible mind.And of course, she was right but didn't realize that until it was too late.
My family fought and tried to prevent us from being together. I ran away from home at 15 1/2, when my brother 'kevin' moved back into town. His marriage had just broke up and wanted to be close to family.
He was a stranger to me . I hadn't seen him or talked with him much since he had runaway from home. So you could say we were reunited brother and sister. And those three months he and I had together, were the most memorable of my entire life.
When I ran away to be with 'evil', at 15, it was against the law to live with 'evil'. So , I had no where to go, until 'kevin; arrived. 'Kevin " and I found an apartment on a ranch. I wasn't aware of it but 'Kevin' was trying to be mediator with the family, to keep everyone together without all of the fighting. Since 'kevin' had become the neutral one, he negotiated that I be allowed to live with him while he worked to get me to see ' the light' regarding 'evil'. And so he did. In his own beautiful and very special, clever way..."kevin'' worked his magic. I began to the forest through the trees. Slowly, I began to separate myself from " evil" as my awareness sharpened to the kind of man he was. When "evil " realized this he came back with all his evil glory and began to hurl this never ending nightmare.
Incident after incident 'evil' creating chaos- horrific threats and fighting, arguing, cops and baiting my mom and older brother . Finally, "Kevin" had had enough, he sat me down and we discussed it. He was going to put a stop to all this nonsense if I felt I was ready to end it, If I believed that he was not the right guy for me.
I agreed . I knew 'kevin' was right and I wanted it over , I wanted him to leave me alone..!
"Kevin' had found a cute little house for us to move into the following week where I could go back to school get my diploma and hang out as brother and sister, all grown up and be each others best friend, support system, confidant, protector. And He was my best friend, we got along like two peas in a pod. We had more fun together even in a simple conversation, we would end up laughing for hours and sometimes we would cry when he talked about his ex-wife and about our dad. But most of all he taught me things without me ever knowing the lesson. He had a way of getting his point across with out it even being the topic. He in the most loving and gentle way helped me realize that I had made a terrible mistake. And because he was my protector and because he believed the "old school'' ways..."being the man and brother and standing up for his sister and his family and confront 'evil' himself, so I wouldn't be putting myself in danger, "kevin'' decided he would tell 'evil' it was time to let go and move on. That I was too young and he needed someone older without all the drama, to Please! leave me and my family alone. I also wrote him a letter saying they same thing so he would know it wasn't another attempt by my family to control me.
On Wednesday 14th, 1983...my brother 'kevin' went to speak to 'evil' and tell him what 'kevin' and I discussed and agreed upon. Of course after "kevin' said everything to be said...'evil' began to spew his demented thoughts out of his mouth, which my brother expected and was prepared, he needed to not let anything he said get under his skin and stay calm to keep things without incident.
['kevin' stood at 6' 5'', lean but a black belt and the training of controlling emotions and anger he worked very hard to master the concept. It took a truck load of crap to push him to the point of an altercation. Which, rarely ever happened, oh well, he was challenged all the time because of his height but had a way about him to work it out and and talk instead of fight.]
But 'evil" wanted 'kevin' to hit him so he went below way below the belt. I remember over hearing 'kevin' talking to a friend outside of our apartment..actually what had happened. 'Kevin' said he approached him and told him what he had to say, and 'evil' said some things about my mom that were the most vile things anyone could say..'kevin' said he just kind of laughed and told him to stop, they he really didn't want 'kevin' to get that mad to hit him. 'Kevin' turned to walk away and 'evil' spit at my brother 'kevin'. "Kevin' said it happened so fast that it was over before he realized 'evil' was out sliding down the tree he was leaning against. "Kevin" stated that he only hit him one time in the mouth..a'standard' punch....nothing fancy or special...he just wanted him to shut his mouth. 'Kevin' stood there for a second, angry at himself for letting 'evil' gain control...then I remember 'kevin' saying these next words and I remember getting so mad. I thought to myself.,
" He ['kevin'] did what? ''
'Kevin' helped 'evil' to his feet and into his apartment. "Kevin' sat him down asked him if he was alright. He then apologized for hitting him. Then he explained from a brothers' point of view and a son, using 'evils' own family in his place. 'Evil' appeared to get the point and apologized himself. They shook on the agreement he was to stop all harassment and to leave me alone. And that was the end of the conversation...
Wednesday March 21, 1983 about 10:00pm I stayed in the main house on the ranch where we lived because the hot water tank was broken in our apartment. We had a court date that following morning so it was easier to get ready and shower for court in the main house.
Wednesday March 22nd, 1983 7 am, I walked through the entrance to our apartment...and walked toward the steps ...and they he was 'kevin' ...laying in so much blood it looked like a red blanket under him, half in and half out our front door to the apartment, on his stomach. His head turned to the right. I went to him. I grabbed him to get him up, to wake him up, he was a sickening cold. His shirt soaked and still wet of his blood. I can still feel the sensation under my fingers of how his skin and body felt beneath my hands.
I remember screaming his name, I remember shaking him, I remember sitting on the step just below him placing my knees under his head and my arms wrapped around his back begging him to wake up, I don't remember seeing anything else, I don't remember looking around, I don't remember if the lights were on or if the TV was on, I don't know how long I was there with him..In my head I knew he was gone. But I was afraid to leave him alone again but i had to help him-- i called or screamed for help but no one came so I tried to get up but I slipped or fell.. and made it to the gate and out toward the main house. I don't remember running or walking ..i just remember screaming for help. It was like i was yelling in a tin can real far away. It didn't sound like me. I couldn't yell loud enough I couldn't breath I couldn't get it out. I remember standing in the driveway of the main house looking down the road to our apartment maybe 100 feet away from the main house...and wondering why the ambulance wasn't there yet, what was taking so long. the police and firemen were there but not the ambulance. The police took my clothes and shoes for evidence, but i don't remember that or when they did. I don't remember what or who gave me something to wear. Everything, just blurs and fades with little flashes of a second like a movie film rolling but its been spliced so many times you get tiny fragments of whats on the tape. I was told the cops questioned me for four hours that day. I don't even remember that. A four hour conversation gone. I just wanted to go see 'kevin'. I had the feeble hope that something would make him okay.
But I do remember one detail that followed very clearly. And that was the phone call I had to make to my mother. Standing in the kitchen of the main house i held the pone , my stomach sick with nerves and i know at any moment i could of passed out but fought it. Her scream came through the phone as if she were standing right next to me..all the questions came I couldn't answer, then came all of the blame and the fault and why I was never worthy of being her daughter. So I hung up the phone..the days the came I have no recall. Until the funeral. If I had only had been in my right mind I could of made the pieces fit so easily.
"evil' came to my rescue [so to speak] after 'kevin', though I don't remember staying with him. I had no where else to go obviously, so I assume I felt no other choice. All the while vaguely remember saying to myself..''you promised 'Kevin' ''............not to be with him anymore...I really can't tell you what i was thinking those days..I was like on auto pilot, going through the motion in a fog...!
Monday, March 27th 1983 cemetery...........I wasn't allowed to go to the viewing of my brother. "Evil '' said I couldn't go.
If I went, He would throw me into the street... I said something along the lines that if my brother were here , 'evil' wouldn't be able to treat me like that...something to that effect..a spark bounced off the back of my brain igniting my anger...to smolder with what he replied to what i said. Laughing, 'evil' said.." yeah I know".
'Evil' turned the funeral into a mobster type setting. I wasn't allowed to talk to my family or my mother. I had to stand all the way in the back of the crowd and not next to my brother where i belonged. By this day my family had my all the allegations of 'kevins' murder , being 'evil' responsibility. So he looked to this as a challenge to make himself ever present when it involved 'kevins' funeral. He had body guards drive him a big show car to make an entrance with me. I t made me look as if I didn't care that everyone believed 'evil' killed my brother. My family thought just that. I was shunned, disregarded and ignored-an outcast, to have the audacity to show up with my brothers killer. At the time , I truly felt that Kevin and I were so close , that I would of known if 'evil' dilled him. I would just somehow know. I thought they were wrong and so angry that they believed i could have anything to do with someone who brutally murdered my best friend, my brother.
Over the course of the next few months the police held their investigation and interrogated 'evil' on many occasions. almost a year had passed and still they were calling him in for questioning.
Dawn!
I was nearly 4 months pregnant when i told ' evil' we were having a baby. I thought that this would hopefully change his behavior his friends his drinking and abuse. But it got worse. And one night we got into an argument and the words that came out of his mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. My entire world fell to my feet. In so many words, basically said that my brother deserved what happened to him. At that moment, I realized and heard my brothers' conversation with his friend outside of our apartment recalling the incident when he punch 'evil'. I realized that oh my god, he did it. He was the one. He did this to me my family my brother and I'm now going to have a child with the man that murdered my best friend in the whole world, the only person that meant anything to me. My rage my fear, my heart rate zoomed and I for a moment blacked out. I packed my things and got into the car and drove all night just thinking and crying. How could I have miss it . How did I not know. What had I done. My family was right. What kind of monster was I to have stayed and believed in this rotten waste of human flesh.
"evil" must of seen the change in my face, the light go on in my head. He became a different man. Mean and cruel and more criminal. Thank god having to leave him became a gift from the state when he was arrested and sent to prison. I gave birth to our daughter the day after they locked him up for 2 years. I was fearful of what he would do or capable of from that last month he was around. He instilled a fear of which took me forever to overcome and finally realize, he is nothing and I am not afraid anymore. His brain washing took even longer I still struggle with it at times.
But this pain, this guilt, the nightmares, the memories-everything burns in my head to this day. I cant let it go. It Haunts me. I feel responsible. I feel like I betrayed my brother. I have forsaken the bond we created. I have let him down and shamed him, my life is shit. I haven't been able to pull my ass off the ground and do anything with my life to be proud of, excluding my beautiful children. But I have failed them also. Even they, the most precious gifts given tome...I haven't given them all they deserve....not that I haven't tried. Every attempt at success has failed. Every opportunity I promised, came a decision out of desperation.
I struggle everyday to make things happen. Weeks before 'kevin' died..a conversation took place in where 'kevin' stated , no matter what i did in life ..work hard and do my best so i can hold my head up and believe If i tried and never quit...then that's all anyone has the right to ask for, and never be ashamed of who I am or what I do. I promised him I would never quit. And dammit i have felt like it so many times but his words have held me together to keep holding on and guides me through.
My mother was raised abuse and she never was able to break the cycle, I did.
But until I was older [at 15, older doesn't mean wiser] I excepted it as normal. I was mature for my age and looked much older then most my age. I had more responsibility since it was just her and I. My older brother [15 years older] was already married and moved out by the time I was 9. My second oldest brother [ Kevin, 9 years older] had run away from home when he was 16. So, It was mom and I struggling to make ends meet. I worked and went to school most of the time . My mother didn't allow friends at all. I was to go to school and come straight home. I didn't go to the dances or games, do sports and especially, not date. I spent a lot of time alone fantasizing how I would meet my 'knight' and we would ride off into the happy and better sunset.
Well, I met my 'knight' alright, my dark and evil 'knight'!
And this is where it all began.
And Ill call him 'evil' for the details of this story.
I had known ' evil ' from years passed. The two families met and intermingled at social events through church.
At 15 , 'evil' made a move to involve me in his sick and twisted life. Appearing to be my 'knight and shinning armor', I fell head over heels in love and thought my dreams finally came true. My mother wouldn't have it. She refused all contact, of course, preaching to me all of his evil ways and rotten tendencies. But I wouldn't hear of it. I thought it was all a lie, everything she said couldn't be rue . He loved me and was strong and took care of me, in my gullible mind.And of course, she was right but didn't realize that until it was too late.
My family fought and tried to prevent us from being together. I ran away from home at 15 1/2, when my brother 'kevin' moved back into town. His marriage had just broke up and wanted to be close to family.
He was a stranger to me . I hadn't seen him or talked with him much since he had runaway from home. So you could say we were reunited brother and sister. And those three months he and I had together, were the most memorable of my entire life.
When I ran away to be with 'evil', at 15, it was against the law to live with 'evil'. So , I had no where to go, until 'kevin; arrived. 'Kevin " and I found an apartment on a ranch. I wasn't aware of it but 'Kevin' was trying to be mediator with the family, to keep everyone together without all of the fighting. Since 'kevin' had become the neutral one, he negotiated that I be allowed to live with him while he worked to get me to see ' the light' regarding 'evil'. And so he did. In his own beautiful and very special, clever way..."kevin'' worked his magic. I began to the forest through the trees. Slowly, I began to separate myself from " evil" as my awareness sharpened to the kind of man he was. When "evil " realized this he came back with all his evil glory and began to hurl this never ending nightmare.
Incident after incident 'evil' creating chaos- horrific threats and fighting, arguing, cops and baiting my mom and older brother . Finally, "Kevin" had had enough, he sat me down and we discussed it. He was going to put a stop to all this nonsense if I felt I was ready to end it, If I believed that he was not the right guy for me.
I agreed . I knew 'kevin' was right and I wanted it over , I wanted him to leave me alone..!
"Kevin' had found a cute little house for us to move into the following week where I could go back to school get my diploma and hang out as brother and sister, all grown up and be each others best friend, support system, confidant, protector. And He was my best friend, we got along like two peas in a pod. We had more fun together even in a simple conversation, we would end up laughing for hours and sometimes we would cry when he talked about his ex-wife and about our dad. But most of all he taught me things without me ever knowing the lesson. He had a way of getting his point across with out it even being the topic. He in the most loving and gentle way helped me realize that I had made a terrible mistake. And because he was my protector and because he believed the "old school'' ways..."being the man and brother and standing up for his sister and his family and confront 'evil' himself, so I wouldn't be putting myself in danger, "kevin'' decided he would tell 'evil' it was time to let go and move on. That I was too young and he needed someone older without all the drama, to Please! leave me and my family alone. I also wrote him a letter saying they same thing so he would know it wasn't another attempt by my family to control me.
On Wednesday 14th, 1983...my brother 'kevin' went to speak to 'evil' and tell him what 'kevin' and I discussed and agreed upon. Of course after "kevin' said everything to be said...'evil' began to spew his demented thoughts out of his mouth, which my brother expected and was prepared, he needed to not let anything he said get under his skin and stay calm to keep things without incident.
['kevin' stood at 6' 5'', lean but a black belt and the training of controlling emotions and anger he worked very hard to master the concept. It took a truck load of crap to push him to the point of an altercation. Which, rarely ever happened, oh well, he was challenged all the time because of his height but had a way about him to work it out and and talk instead of fight.]
But 'evil" wanted 'kevin' to hit him so he went below way below the belt. I remember over hearing 'kevin' talking to a friend outside of our apartment..actually what had happened. 'Kevin' said he approached him and told him what he had to say, and 'evil' said some things about my mom that were the most vile things anyone could say..'kevin' said he just kind of laughed and told him to stop, they he really didn't want 'kevin' to get that mad to hit him. 'Kevin' turned to walk away and 'evil' spit at my brother 'kevin'. "Kevin' said it happened so fast that it was over before he realized 'evil' was out sliding down the tree he was leaning against. "Kevin" stated that he only hit him one time in the mouth..a'standard' punch....nothing fancy or special...he just wanted him to shut his mouth. 'Kevin' stood there for a second, angry at himself for letting 'evil' gain control...then I remember 'kevin' saying these next words and I remember getting so mad. I thought to myself.,
" He ['kevin'] did what? ''
'Kevin' helped 'evil' to his feet and into his apartment. "Kevin' sat him down asked him if he was alright. He then apologized for hitting him. Then he explained from a brothers' point of view and a son, using 'evils' own family in his place. 'Evil' appeared to get the point and apologized himself. They shook on the agreement he was to stop all harassment and to leave me alone. And that was the end of the conversation...
Wednesday March 21, 1983 about 10:00pm I stayed in the main house on the ranch where we lived because the hot water tank was broken in our apartment. We had a court date that following morning so it was easier to get ready and shower for court in the main house.
Wednesday March 22nd, 1983 7 am, I walked through the entrance to our apartment...and walked toward the steps ...and they he was 'kevin' ...laying in so much blood it looked like a red blanket under him, half in and half out our front door to the apartment, on his stomach. His head turned to the right. I went to him. I grabbed him to get him up, to wake him up, he was a sickening cold. His shirt soaked and still wet of his blood. I can still feel the sensation under my fingers of how his skin and body felt beneath my hands.
I remember screaming his name, I remember shaking him, I remember sitting on the step just below him placing my knees under his head and my arms wrapped around his back begging him to wake up, I don't remember seeing anything else, I don't remember looking around, I don't remember if the lights were on or if the TV was on, I don't know how long I was there with him..In my head I knew he was gone. But I was afraid to leave him alone again but i had to help him-- i called or screamed for help but no one came so I tried to get up but I slipped or fell.. and made it to the gate and out toward the main house. I don't remember running or walking ..i just remember screaming for help. It was like i was yelling in a tin can real far away. It didn't sound like me. I couldn't yell loud enough I couldn't breath I couldn't get it out. I remember standing in the driveway of the main house looking down the road to our apartment maybe 100 feet away from the main house...and wondering why the ambulance wasn't there yet, what was taking so long. the police and firemen were there but not the ambulance. The police took my clothes and shoes for evidence, but i don't remember that or when they did. I don't remember what or who gave me something to wear. Everything, just blurs and fades with little flashes of a second like a movie film rolling but its been spliced so many times you get tiny fragments of whats on the tape. I was told the cops questioned me for four hours that day. I don't even remember that. A four hour conversation gone. I just wanted to go see 'kevin'. I had the feeble hope that something would make him okay.
But I do remember one detail that followed very clearly. And that was the phone call I had to make to my mother. Standing in the kitchen of the main house i held the pone , my stomach sick with nerves and i know at any moment i could of passed out but fought it. Her scream came through the phone as if she were standing right next to me..all the questions came I couldn't answer, then came all of the blame and the fault and why I was never worthy of being her daughter. So I hung up the phone..the days the came I have no recall. Until the funeral. If I had only had been in my right mind I could of made the pieces fit so easily.
"evil' came to my rescue [so to speak] after 'kevin', though I don't remember staying with him. I had no where else to go obviously, so I assume I felt no other choice. All the while vaguely remember saying to myself..''you promised 'Kevin' ''............not to be with him anymore...I really can't tell you what i was thinking those days..I was like on auto pilot, going through the motion in a fog...!
Monday, March 27th 1983 cemetery...........I wasn't allowed to go to the viewing of my brother. "Evil '' said I couldn't go.
If I went, He would throw me into the street... I said something along the lines that if my brother were here , 'evil' wouldn't be able to treat me like that...something to that effect..a spark bounced off the back of my brain igniting my anger...to smolder with what he replied to what i said. Laughing, 'evil' said.." yeah I know".
'Evil' turned the funeral into a mobster type setting. I wasn't allowed to talk to my family or my mother. I had to stand all the way in the back of the crowd and not next to my brother where i belonged. By this day my family had my all the allegations of 'kevins' murder , being 'evil' responsibility. So he looked to this as a challenge to make himself ever present when it involved 'kevins' funeral. He had body guards drive him a big show car to make an entrance with me. I t made me look as if I didn't care that everyone believed 'evil' killed my brother. My family thought just that. I was shunned, disregarded and ignored-an outcast, to have the audacity to show up with my brothers killer. At the time , I truly felt that Kevin and I were so close , that I would of known if 'evil' dilled him. I would just somehow know. I thought they were wrong and so angry that they believed i could have anything to do with someone who brutally murdered my best friend, my brother.
Over the course of the next few months the police held their investigation and interrogated 'evil' on many occasions. almost a year had passed and still they were calling him in for questioning.
Dawn!
I was nearly 4 months pregnant when i told ' evil' we were having a baby. I thought that this would hopefully change his behavior his friends his drinking and abuse. But it got worse. And one night we got into an argument and the words that came out of his mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. My entire world fell to my feet. In so many words, basically said that my brother deserved what happened to him. At that moment, I realized and heard my brothers' conversation with his friend outside of our apartment recalling the incident when he punch 'evil'. I realized that oh my god, he did it. He was the one. He did this to me my family my brother and I'm now going to have a child with the man that murdered my best friend in the whole world, the only person that meant anything to me. My rage my fear, my heart rate zoomed and I for a moment blacked out. I packed my things and got into the car and drove all night just thinking and crying. How could I have miss it . How did I not know. What had I done. My family was right. What kind of monster was I to have stayed and believed in this rotten waste of human flesh.
"evil" must of seen the change in my face, the light go on in my head. He became a different man. Mean and cruel and more criminal. Thank god having to leave him became a gift from the state when he was arrested and sent to prison. I gave birth to our daughter the day after they locked him up for 2 years. I was fearful of what he would do or capable of from that last month he was around. He instilled a fear of which took me forever to overcome and finally realize, he is nothing and I am not afraid anymore. His brain washing took even longer I still struggle with it at times.
But this pain, this guilt, the nightmares, the memories-everything burns in my head to this day. I cant let it go. It Haunts me. I feel responsible. I feel like I betrayed my brother. I have forsaken the bond we created. I have let him down and shamed him, my life is shit. I haven't been able to pull my ass off the ground and do anything with my life to be proud of, excluding my beautiful children. But I have failed them also. Even they, the most precious gifts given tome...I haven't given them all they deserve....not that I haven't tried. Every attempt at success has failed. Every opportunity I promised, came a decision out of desperation.
I struggle everyday to make things happen. Weeks before 'kevin' died..a conversation took place in where 'kevin' stated , no matter what i did in life ..work hard and do my best so i can hold my head up and believe If i tried and never quit...then that's all anyone has the right to ask for, and never be ashamed of who I am or what I do. I promised him I would never quit. And dammit i have felt like it so many times but his words have held me together to keep holding on and guides me through.
